literature

Tisis - S8

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Literature Text

First steps on solid ground


*Drip*
'What? What is...'
*Drip*
'Wet...water...from where?'

As cold drips of water fall down on me, I slowly come back to my senses...trying to sort out my thoughts.
After a few seconds of thoughts in complete chaos, a single one manifests: 'That's right...the ship...our prison...got destroyed...I...I escaped...but...'
I look around, my sight blurring ever so slightly, as the drips become more numerous in number and frequency. I look up to see where they come from...but I cannot see anything but a large front of black...a ceiling of some sort? Have I been captured...no...not a ceiling.

I remember the tales, the old told us...the black above me...it's called 'Clouds'...the water that's coming from it...it's called 'Rain'.
I slowly get up, still very unsure on my feet and take a deep breath.
No doubt about it...this must be, what the old called a 'planet'...and not just anyone...it must be one, like Earth once was...it fits the descriptions perfectly.

In amazement I look around some more...the substance beneath my feet...ground...solid ground. And on this ground...on this earth...grow flowers and grass...they drink the water...the rain that's falling from the sky..."

I look up again, opening my mouth widely to catch some of the raindrops, but have to cough immediately as a few raindrops fall straight into my lungs...then I fall to my knees...and start laughing.
I take both hands full of the slightly muddy ground beneath me, a whole cocktail of feelings running through my body.
Sadness for being alone.
Hatred towards my people for having destroyed their beautiful home like they did.
Hatred towards the Asmodei, for deceiving my ancestors.
Amazement for the very FEEL of this land.
...and of course, indescribable joy for just being alive...and here.

I keep going like this for about thirty more seconds, when something else strikes me...I wasn't alone in this shuttle...I am not the only person who landed here.
I look around for the princess...eventually I find her...she flew a good bit farther than me...probably because I'm far heavier than she is...a black liquid is seeping from her forehead into the ground...some more of that liquid is sticking at one of the green giants, the old called 'Trees'...apparently, she hit her head quite severely when getting catapulted out of the pod.

Just for a brief second, I think about letting her lie there and die...for all the things her people have done to my people...and to me specifically...however I decide against it.
Because, after all, she has done nothing wrong...and she saved me, when the pod was about to crash into this planet...sure, she probably only did it to save herself too, but it just wouldn't be right...no, it most definitely wouldn't be right.

I slowly approach her, ready to jump away at a moments notice...but she doesn't move at all.

I wonder, if she's already dead...
I carefully turn her around...good, she's still breathing...she should be fine...but that wound needs to be fixed...
I look around some more, hoping to find something I can use to still the bleeding.
The wreckage of the pod comes into sight and I think: 'Maybe there's something I can use in there.'

I try to jog over there, however a sharp pain in my side tells me outright, that I didn't take that fall quite as well as I thought myself...and I was getting cold too...damn...
I slowly and carefully walk over to the pod and heave myself in.

I feel a little dizzy from the exertion, but I'm keeping up.
I look around the small cabinet, where the princess must have been hiding...there's a very small wet patch there.
I wonder: 'Did the rain get in here...?'
I shake my head and think: 'This isn't the time...now, where...'

While I'm still searching the ship, a female voice from behind me shouts: "F...Freeze, vermin!"
I turn back around, careful to avoid hitting my head at the ceiling of the capsule...the princess is up. She's holding some object, which distinctively resembles a gun...however it isn't one I had ever seen before.
I think: 'Damn...she brought a freaking WEAPON?! How wicked can you be...?'

The girl repeats her demand and I decide it's better to follow right now and I raise my hands behind me head, as far as possible.
She says: "That's right...now, step out."

I slowly move towards the exit of the pod, when something strange happens to me...I feel a very strong itching in my nostril area...in fact it's growing in strength.
The girl shouts at me: "I said FREEZE!"
I try to object, the tickling gets unbearable: "But I...I...ACHOO!"

Startled by the noise, the girl jumps, dropping the gun in the process and scurrying back a few steps...I put my hand under my nose, since I feel like there's something there.
Upon seeing the slimy substance, I say: "Okay...EWW, now that's gross!"
I shake the substance off and finish climbing out...the girl stares at me...but it's not hatred that's in her eyes...but blank fear...also, she's shaking...without a doubt she's cold too...we'll need some shelter...and fast.

Because I'm pretty sure, that WAY worse than a slimy substance coming out of my nose can happen here if we're careless.
Aww, isn't that cute? Sirus' first sneeze in his lifetime.
During the time on the ship, no viruses or bacteria were present to cause such a reaction. Neither were pollen or anything else.

Right now, Sirus and Nym are exposed to an entire WORLD of these things...let's hope their immunity systems know their job better than those two.

Or else they may well get killed by the flu. :D

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Prophetguy's avatar
Okay, it`s been a while...again. Long story short, been busy. You get it, I guess.

So, where do I start? The upside no? It looks like a funny, lighthearted start after that prologue. Nevertheless, we can see it`s remains lying in wounds and on crashed things. The past existed in this scene, which is something not everyone remembers all the time, but if one does (like  you did) I helps prevent plotholes.
The writing itself is engaging as well, something I found to b common in your writing. You got talent and you use it, keep it up!

As any, the work is not without flaws. One can feel the plot devices being used if paying attention, which is a big red flag since this is still pretty early. A particular case is when the girl drops the gun cause "fear". If you think about a the trigger it surrounds the finger. If someone was nervously handling a gun, they would have their finger pretty close to the trigger. In other words, the asmodean being scared would have meant the trigger was pulled. What the effects of such a thing would be, I don`t know, but I do know there are known examples in history of issues that arose over what I described in his paragraph.

Another thing of note is the fact Sirus, that likely knew trees worse than I know my coccyx and ulna, and was still able to identify them at first glance.

The usage of such plot devices is not completely unadvised, however. Sometimes in writing, you`ll just be in the rough and need to convey something you wouldn`t be able to by more "pristine" means. As with many things, whether or not this devices are that bad will rest upon the impact of the events described here. I`m hoping to be pleasantly surprised.

Good work, once again.